ive been trying to think whats wrong with me. everyone else is trying to figure out whats wrong with themselves too.

i'm an oldfag, millenial.

most of my friends are zoomers.

i've been so fucking pissed off,

watching these younger trannies all self accepting,

and surrounded by other trans folks.

i get so jealous.

it drives me insane.

i know it shouldn't, i should be happy for them.

i wish i knew how to stop feeling like this.

i came out in my late twenties.

i never had a relationship as a trans woman.

i only had relationships as a man.

and they were shit relationships too.

years long, dead-feeling, unsatisfied relationships.

my friend says - go "put yourself out there"

message people your interested in,

be up front about what you want.

i'm not like that, i'm from a different generation.

and just different in general.

the way i grew up, intimacy and openness was very taboo.

especially with friends, or people you dont know well.

you keep your distance from everyone,

except your "mate", your partner.

your "wife" or "husband",

they are the only one you trust and are close to.

trusting and getting close to anyone else is dangerous.

no sex before marriage, all that conservative BS

what a fucked up thing.

as much as i was against all the conservatism around me,

as much as i believed the world needs social change,

as much as i thought i was going to be different,

i still felt guilty all the time,

i still felt ashamed all the time,

i still felt "fake" in my attempts to rebel against it.

i still felt...

it seeps into you, i guess.

but i did consider all that very thoughtfully,

there are some parts of that "conservatism" that make sense

it definitely is possible to be too open,

its possible to be too reckless in pursuing your desires,

some people do become selfish, hedonist, nihilist shitheads.

any trans person has seen that type many times.

any fag of any kind has seen it, been hurt by it

or been that way themselves.

pursuing pleasure, but never feeling full

getting what you think you want, but being unhappy still.

and it driving you mad,

how the more you seek pleasure, the less pleasure you feel.

i want this, i want that

"i want to be accepted!"

"i want to be loved!"

"i want intimacy!"

"i want to be popular!"

"i want to be cool!"

"i want to be desirable..."

"i want to be..."

yeah. oldfags like me know the cycle of it

even though i never really went too crazy,

i was never a "hedonist", but i did pursue my desires,

i pursued them thousands of miles around my country,

i "ruined my life" just to get them,

i even hurt people sometimes,

pushed them aside as just an obstacle to my desire,

or used them to get what i wanted.

everyone has done that, huh.

i'm not so bad for it.

none of this has anything to do with being trans,

it just has to do with being alive.

i guess thats all i got for now.

bye bye.